This has been a long time coming...

She's been my best friend for 20 years and I hate her.

That's not exactly true, I guess. It's not that I hate her. It's just that I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore.

We've been best friends since we were 4 years old. The first time she blew me off for someone else, I was only 6. We were in kindergarten, and we always played together at recess. I remember this moment as if I'm holding a picture in my hand--- I looked up at the slide where she was standing with another girl, and she just shrugged when I finally caught her eye, like she was saying "oops, sorry." Like it was no big deal.

That girl came and went, but I was the one who stuck around.

I was 14. I was staying the night at her house, and I read an e-mail from a guy I liked. He was pissed off at me, and I was upset. She didn't try to ask what was wrong, or let me talk to her about it. All she said was "if my mom comes down here, she's gonna wonder why you're crying." At least someone would have cared.

We stopped hanging out during our sophomore year of high school. She was dating a guy who was a total dick, treated her like shit, and generally pissed me off. I became the person she came to bitch to when she was pissed off at him. They were together for 3 years. We were supposed to hang out one New Year's eve. She called and said she didn't feel good. I wasn't mad. That is, until I drove by her house and saw her boyfriend's car there.

Somehow, I still convinced myself to call her on her birthday a month and a half later. God knows she would never make the effort to apologize.

She started dating a guy in college. She was having a hard time adjusting to being alone in a new place, and dealing with being truly single for the first time since she was 15. I told her to have a one night stand. She started sleeping with a guy she worked with on a regular basis. He happened to be engaged.

I liked him. I was invited to family gatherings for the first time since she started dating the dickhead, and this guy didn't make me feel like a third wheel. I did, however, get used to hearing from her maybe once every few months. We hung out when she was in town, and I visited her at school a few times. As the years went by, I realized that she wasn't going to stay with this guy. Neither of them were happy, and it was obvious. So I waited.

And then she called me while I was at a party one night to tell me that they were splitting up. He had cheated on her, and it wasn't the first time.

I don't hate him. Hell, I've talked to him a few times since they broke up. She knew what she was getting into, and she pursued a relationship with him anyway. And it wasn't the first time she broke up a relationship, either.

And then she wants to bitch about karma.

Here's the dilemma: She's been depressed since the break up. It's not surprising. She's also been in town at least once a month, and I'm just expected to drop everything to hang out with her. I got a message from her ex one night saying that she was threatening to kill herself. When I called her, she bitched at me and told me that she wouldn't let me in if I came to see her. She cried suicide in an attempt to get her ex to come over.

It had been hard enough to try to be the good friend before that night. When I realized what she had done, I lost all respect for her. She's never been the kind of person that I want to associate myself with, and I know that now.

See, I've been depressed too. I was in deep after I graduated from high school. During that time, she couldn't be bothered to return my calls. She blew me off for my 19th birthday, and it wasn't the last time she's done it. She's lied to me many times.

And now I'm supposed to be the kind of friend I needed back then.

I found myself hoping that she would find someone new soon. That way, I could just slowly fade into the background. I hated myself for thinking that. But ya know? I can only take so much abuse. She blamed me for getting with the last guy, and for taking up smoking since the break up. I'll take responsibility for the dickhead, but I had nothing to do with her staying with him for 3 years. I'm not gonna be her scapegoat, and I'm not gonna put forth the effort to help her when she couldn't be troubled to do the same for me. I've kicked people out of my life for a lot less.

Fading...