This is what happens when sleeping pills don't work like they should.

I wonder sometimes if I already missed my opportunity for happiness. You know, the I-have-everything-I-ever-wanted kind of happiness. I met him when I was in 8th grade, and I hadn't thought of him in years when I heard someone mention his name at work almost a year ago.

His name is Nick. He's married now, and I think he has a baby. And here I am, single and staying that way.

When I was 14, I wanted to be just like everyone else. I admire any teenager who doesn't feel that way. I saw the popular girls, and I wanted to be one of them. I wanted their clothes, their hairstyles, their friendships, their following. Instead, I was just an average girl, socially awkward and always at a loss for the right thing to say.

Nick liked me, though. Not the me I thought I wanted to be, but the me I was. And I liked him too. He was nice, he had sparkling blue eyes, and he was a gentleman. He stopped to talk to me whenever he had the chance.

I thought I'd have more opportunities to meet "the one." I mean, really. Who meets their soulmate in 8th grade homeroom? I wonder now if I did, if that was my only chance. He's not the type of guy to leave a wife, nor a "man" who would leave his child behind if his marriage floundered.

I remember what I said to fuck things up. I was sitting next to one of the popular girls, and she said something about Nick liking me while he was within earshot. I laughed it off, then said that I wished he would ask me out so I could just say no.

If only I could take back those words.

I'd never say anything like that now. If a guy was willing to put himself on the line to ask me out, I'd give him a chance. If I didn't like him, I'd let him know gently. I wouldn't embarrass him like I did Nick.

But I was only 14. I wanted to impress that girl so she'd invite me to sit at the popular table at lunch.

If only I could go back...

By the time I started high school, I knew that I would never belong to that clique. I didn't want to, not really. I realized that the popular crowd was no better than the rest of us. If anything, they were worse. They did everything to keep that label, sacrificing themselves often to be part of the in-crowd.

This blog is starting to sound like a bad after-school special...

I talked to Nick a few times during freshman year. I never meant to brush him aside, but he thought I did. He always seemed to catch me when I was studying, when I didn't have time to talk to him. So eventually he faded away, and that was all.

Then I heard his name, more than 5 years after we graduated. It dawned on me then that I had passed up a great guy for no good reason. I wished for another chance. Not with him, I'm not a homewrecker, but with anyone. I just wanted someone to make me feel important to them like Nick did.

I could have had a high school sweetheart. I could have gone to every dance, always had a date for the weekend. I could have lost my virginity to someone I loved because I loved him, not to some guy because I didn't want to be a virgin anymore. I could proudly state that I've only slept with one person instead of telling everyone that I never reveal the body count. We would have gotten married out of high school, and I could have gone to college while he was in the military.

My life could have been so different.

I believe that our lives are determined for us the moment we're born. There are certain things that will inevitably happen, good and bad. You can take the hard path, or you can take the easy path. You never know which is which until it's all said and done. Nick was my easy path, and I'm wondering now if going that way really would have been a good thing. I think of all the things I would have missed out on, like learning how to be completely independent. Then I think of all the things I would have had, and wonder if those would have been taken away from me. Maybe someday we would have grown apart, and I would have been lost without him. I wouldn't have known what it was like to be truly alone before he left me.

I wish I could just know what a life with him would have been like. Maybe if he had asked me to a dance, or even asked for my phone number, things could have been different. My practical mind won't let me take all the blame for this missed opportunity. My words cut deep, I'm sure, but he still talked to me after that. I hope he knows that I never meant to be so hurtful.

Nick, I want to apologize to you. It's been more than 10 years, and I still hate that I could ever say something like that. I did like you, and I would have given you a chance. I just wasn't ready then, not when I was 14. I wish I had had you throughout high school instead of the long string of assholes who only used me to get what they wanted. I deserved that for the way I hurt you. I was so careless. I know you're happy now, and I hope you stay that way. I hope your wife knows how lucky she is, and that she never takes you for granted. If I could go back to that day in homeroom, I would have brushed Courtney aside instead of you. You would have been everything I wanted, but I pushed you away. I'm sorry.