I'm sorry.

He found out about Fox today.

I talked to him after the game. He was already pissed off because he didn't do much, and he got hit by a pitch. He was sitting in the hotel with ice on his arm when he called me.

I've never wanted to be able to fly so much in my entire life. I just wanted to be there with him. I need him right now. Not just his voice. But I won't get to see him much this month. At least, not in person.

We had been talking for a little while when Jake beeped in. I switched over just to say that I'd call him back later. I don't know how Ryan figured out who Jake was calling, but he did. I called him back because he wasn't there when I tried to switch back. I knew something was seriously wrong when I heard his voice again.

"Why did Jake call you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'll give you one chance to tell me the truth. Why did Jake call you?"

So I told him. Everything. That Wells is just a fling, and that as much as I lust for Jake, I know it won't get serious between us. And that I'm not ready to give either one of them up.

He was disappointed. That hurt the most. Then I thought that he might hate me for this, and I realized that I just can't lose him too. Not right now. He's been my rock the last few days, and I'll need him even more as the shit starts to hit the fan.

We didn't talk much longer after that. He's angry with me, I know. My apology meant nothing because he knows I won't stop what's going on with Fox and Wells just yet. But if it comes down to them or Ryan, I know what I have to do. I just wish he could understand that I'm not trying to hurt anybody. Hell, Fox and Wells both know that I'm not looking for anything serious. I just want to have fun. For once I have all the attention I've ever wanted, and I want to enjoy it for a little while. I need the distraction.

I miss Ryan already.
I wish I could put my arms around him and let him know that no matter what, he'll always mean the world to me.