Why didn't this shit ever happen when I was single?

The other night, I got the coolest voicemail EVER.

And I'll tell ya, I know a lot about cool voicemails. I leave them all the time. At least, I used to before I stopped using the phone for anything other than ordering food...

I checked my missed calls list and saw a random number. Thinking it was probably just an old friend who I'd deleted, I listened to the message. I should have saved it so I could quote it word for word, but I wasn't thinking that far ahead.

"I just called to tell you that I totally called the wrong number, but you sound really hot and I'd like to get to know you better."

Dana can confirm that one for you. I have a voice designed for phone sex hotlines, apparently.

He went on for a couple more minutes about how hot I sounded, and that I should get a hold of him. The more he talked, the more drunk he sounded.

But damn if my ego didn't grow two sizes that day...

It's just nice to be reminded by someone other than the guy who is legally required to tell me I'm hot on a regular basis that I am, in fact, hot. And hearing it from the boys at work doesn't count-- they're all pretty fucking desperate.

And then? Tonight? Like half an hour ago?

I got a random IM from one of my exes. Most of you were around for my Caterpillar blogs, and I introduced him there. I usually refer to him as "the bad one." That kid was the biggest waste of my fucking life for damn near 3 years, but I was completely unable to pull myself away from him. Then I finally realized that he sucked just as much as everyone said he did, and I finally got the balls to be done with him.

Me? Needing to get some balls? Unheard of!

I swear, it happened. There was a point when I didn't have balls. It was a sad, terrible time, and one day there will probably be History Channel documentaries about it.

So anyway. He tried to talk to me a couple months after we broke up, and I blew him off. It's been 4 years since that conversation, and then he IMs me out of the blue tonight. He just wanted to "see how things were going."

Yeah, right. I told him that I just got married, and that I may very well be in NC in a few months. Take that, asshole. I'd like to say that I took the high road and hoped the best for him, but you've all met me before. I hope he's sitting there at his computer screen in a daze, berating himself for every detrimental thing he ever said to me, for every time he ever made me feel like shit. I hope he cries himself to sleep and wakes up knowing that no matter what, he'll never amount to anything more than a lonely, pathetic asshole who no girl in her right mind could EVER care about.

Was that too harsh?

It kinda feels good to be "the one who got away..."

And I'm so glad I'm married to Brad and not that asshole.