Story of a Girl

Randomly random musings from a 20-something Midwestern girl who hasn't accomplished much of anything... yet.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Toni and the Cubs... a soap opera

So, I dumped Dempster today. After his performance Tuesday, it was inevitable. We had one last rendezvous on the pitcher's mound, and then I told him it was over. I told him that I know he can do better, and until he does, I don't want anything to do with him.

He got pretty belligerent. I mean, as belligerent as you would expect any redheaded Canadian to get... So to piss him off a little more, I made out with Randy Wells right in front of him. Looks like I've got me a new pitcher to love... even though he wasn't pitching today.

I was on the phone with Theriot for a few hours last night, talking to him about my dilemma with Dempster. Theriot is a great guy, and he's one of my closest friends. The person I can go to for anything. He'll even hold my purse for me at the mall. I thought I heard him say the l-word right before I hung up... but can I really give him up as a friend? And Randy Wells is such a good kisser, I really wanna see what he can do when no one is watching...

Then there's Jake Fox. We caught each other's eye a few times today, and exchanged a few knowing glances. That boy makes my clothes fall off...

Like sands in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Letters to you (1)

Someday, I'll convince myself that you're not here. You're not the guy who's drunk more often than not, who has more potential than anyone else I know, and who can't commit to me for more than one night at a time. You're not the guy who refuses to make the first move and then gets pissed off at me when I don't do it either. You're not the guy who tells me he'll always be there and then lets me down the first time I need him.

You're the one who won't make me cry. You won't ever promise me something and then change your mind, and you won't make me feel like I'm the least important thing in your life.

You'll be the one I can count on. You'll be the one I can turn to, the one who will stand by me through everything. You won't let me settle for less than I deserve, than I can accomplish. And I'll do the same for you in return. You won't ever have to wonder whether or not I'll be there.

Do I have the patience to wait 2 more years? Some days, I'm not sure. As I think of all the bullshit guys have put me through, though, I know that the wait will be worth it. Now I just have to quit expecting to find you everywhere I go. I'm always looking for you, and that makes it harder to find you. I'm looking in all the wrong places.

Tonight, I just want to talk to you. I need someone to listen to me bitch about work and how I hate everyone. You'll be the only one who understands why I hate them all so much. You don't have to say anything, though. Just listen.

I don't know what else to say right now. You already know that I'm waiting for you, and I'll keep waiting for you. Sometimes I wonder if you'll still be there by the time I get there, or if you'll be too jaded to give me all the things I need. But somehow optimism prevails, and I know all this will be worth it in the end.

It has to be.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

So yeah.

Ooopsy daisy, someone is mad at me...

No, it's not the friend from yesterday's blog. Hell, she hasn't even realized yet that I deleted her from my friend list in order to post a link.

So, I have this problem where I attract only the most undatable guys on the face of the planet. What's that, did you just ask me about my last date? Okay, I'll tell you.

It was on V-day. I had been whining all week about how I was going to sit at home and drink by myself that night. This guy at work walks by and says he'll take me out. I kinda took it in jest considering he's got 20 years on me and, as far as old guys go, he's kinda creepy. Not stalker creepy, but weird creepy.

So yeah. Moving on.

As the week went on, he kept asking me about Saturday night. I agreed to go, thinking he was trying to be nice to me and I should just accept it. That Friday, he drunk dialed me twice. The first time was at 1:30 in the afternoon, and the second was shortly after five.

Yeah. Awesome.

I picked him up Saturday night. He was dressed up, had a new haircut, and was holding a bouquet of daisies. Not so bad, right?

We were less than a block away from his apartment when he said something to the effect of "We'll go out as friends and see what happens from there."

Uhhh... I thought it was supposed to be a pity date?

We went to a chicken place. He had mentioned something about a much fancier restaurant, but I'll be honest with you. I didn't want to be seen out in public with him at a place like that. And if you met the guy, you'd understand.

Throughout dinner, he touched on quite a few not-really-appropriate topics. He discussed his dentures, his dad farting and stinking up the car (that was a recent story, not a childhood memory), and how he tears up at sad movies. And his sister makes fun of him.

Yeah, I would too. Just sayin.

He wanted to go have a few drinks, but I wasn't exactly having that. I thanked him for the dinner and took him home while he asked me more than once to show him where I lived.

Uh, no. The last thing I need is his drunk ass on my doorstep at 1:30 in the morning...

He tried to talk to me like we were best friends at work on Monday. I swear, I thought it was a pity date! If I had thought it was more than that, I would have stuck to my original plan... drinking at home by myself. I started pretty much ignoring him at work when he started drunk dialing me every weekend.

And that was my last date.

Now you understand my hopelessness...

I attract drunk guys, old guys, and drunk old guys with herpes. Ewww.


There's another guy at work who expressed a little interest in me. Sent me "romantic" messages over facebook, texted me about joining him at the bar a couple of times. The problem with this guy? He's kinda repulsive. I'm talking disgusting teeth, huge mole on the back of his head, and moodier than me to complete the package.

He's a nice guy and all, but I have to be able to look at the person I'm seeing with the lights on, ya know? I wouldn't say I've been bitchy to him, but I've definitely been standoffish. I don't want to encourage him when I know that I'm not gonna go there. So tonight I get a message from him that says "Yeah. I quit."

I didn't know he had even started...

When did guys become so fucking lazy? I mean, seriously. If you like a girl, ask her out. If she says no, fine. Your poor little ego will recover from a rejection. There's another guy at work who goes around saying that I never gave him a chance when he's had my number just as long as I've had his, and he's never even sent me a fucking message. I'm sorry, but I'm tired of being the one to put forth all the effort. I've done it a hundred times before, and it all ends the same. If a guy doesn't have the balls to show he's interested in me, he doesn't have the balls to end it respectfully when he decides that things aren't working out. Is it really that much to ask to see some fucking initiative?

Bottom line is, don't call me a bitch when you didn't even try to take me out on a respectable date. And no, inviting me to a bar because you don't have anyone else to talk to does not count as asking me out on a date. If you're interested, let me know. If I'm not interested, I promise that I won't be a dick about it. I'll turn you down gently and even let you know why if you ask me. But seriously? I'm female. I'm supposed to be courted. Don't make me court you, because it's not gonna happen. I want a gentleman, not a lazy bastard who's willing to settle for whichever bitch happens to be closest.

[/rant]

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This has been a long time coming...

She's been my best friend for 20 years and I hate her.

That's not exactly true, I guess. It's not that I hate her. It's just that I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore.

We've been best friends since we were 4 years old. The first time she blew me off for someone else, I was only 6. We were in kindergarten, and we always played together at recess. I remember this moment as if I'm holding a picture in my hand--- I looked up at the slide where she was standing with another girl, and she just shrugged when I finally caught her eye, like she was saying "oops, sorry." Like it was no big deal.

That girl came and went, but I was the one who stuck around.

I was 14. I was staying the night at her house, and I read an e-mail from a guy I liked. He was pissed off at me, and I was upset. She didn't try to ask what was wrong, or let me talk to her about it. All she said was "if my mom comes down here, she's gonna wonder why you're crying." At least someone would have cared.

We stopped hanging out during our sophomore year of high school. She was dating a guy who was a total dick, treated her like shit, and generally pissed me off. I became the person she came to bitch to when she was pissed off at him. They were together for 3 years. We were supposed to hang out one New Year's eve. She called and said she didn't feel good. I wasn't mad. That is, until I drove by her house and saw her boyfriend's car there.

Somehow, I still convinced myself to call her on her birthday a month and a half later. God knows she would never make the effort to apologize.

She started dating a guy in college. She was having a hard time adjusting to being alone in a new place, and dealing with being truly single for the first time since she was 15. I told her to have a one night stand. She started sleeping with a guy she worked with on a regular basis. He happened to be engaged.

I liked him. I was invited to family gatherings for the first time since she started dating the dickhead, and this guy didn't make me feel like a third wheel. I did, however, get used to hearing from her maybe once every few months. We hung out when she was in town, and I visited her at school a few times. As the years went by, I realized that she wasn't going to stay with this guy. Neither of them were happy, and it was obvious. So I waited.

And then she called me while I was at a party one night to tell me that they were splitting up. He had cheated on her, and it wasn't the first time.

I don't hate him. Hell, I've talked to him a few times since they broke up. She knew what she was getting into, and she pursued a relationship with him anyway. And it wasn't the first time she broke up a relationship, either.

And then she wants to bitch about karma.

Here's the dilemma: She's been depressed since the break up. It's not surprising. She's also been in town at least once a month, and I'm just expected to drop everything to hang out with her. I got a message from her ex one night saying that she was threatening to kill herself. When I called her, she bitched at me and told me that she wouldn't let me in if I came to see her. She cried suicide in an attempt to get her ex to come over.

It had been hard enough to try to be the good friend before that night. When I realized what she had done, I lost all respect for her. She's never been the kind of person that I want to associate myself with, and I know that now.

See, I've been depressed too. I was in deep after I graduated from high school. During that time, she couldn't be bothered to return my calls. She blew me off for my 19th birthday, and it wasn't the last time she's done it. She's lied to me many times.

And now I'm supposed to be the kind of friend I needed back then.

I found myself hoping that she would find someone new soon. That way, I could just slowly fade into the background. I hated myself for thinking that. But ya know? I can only take so much abuse. She blamed me for getting with the last guy, and for taking up smoking since the break up. I'll take responsibility for the dickhead, but I had nothing to do with her staying with him for 3 years. I'm not gonna be her scapegoat, and I'm not gonna put forth the effort to help her when she couldn't be troubled to do the same for me. I've kicked people out of my life for a lot less.

Fading...

 
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